View From A Broad

Travel Blog 

The author is a travel and feature writer. This is an account of her expat years. Names have been fiddled with to avoid offence but most of what you’ll read here is true. She loves the UK, but hopes to live abroad again before she’s of pensionable age.

Part 16

Background

In 2006, a family of Simpsons from the East of England moved to the Middle East. For the purposes of this story-in-parts, and to allow a little distance from Mr, Mrs and the three mini Simpsons (boy, girl, girl), they will now be referred to as Marge, Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie – their Springfield counterparts. When they moved across the world, this Marge and Homer were in their forties, Bart was 13, Lisa was 10 and Maggie was four.

Year 2

December 2007

Only a few weeks until Christmas and Homer is in the States to moderate a sports conference at Princeton University. Unlike Marge, his work is stimulating, well paid and rewarding. Marge, choking on her envy, has given him strict instructions not to return home without a suitcase full of presents. He describes the snow and the Christmas decorations to Marge, and how he has found Webkinz for Maggie, which will no doubt elevate him to Father Of The Year status.

Which is good, because Marge is currently Mother You Don’t Want To Mess With. Bart, she has been told at school parents’ evening has great potential but might like to put some work in. Marge buys out the entire stationery section of Geant – files, pens, fourth maths set of the term, paper, pencils, crayons post-it notes, stapler, hole puncher, ruler, waste bin, desk-tidy and rearranges Bart’s bedroom. Bart for some reason is not grateful. In fact he is so far from grateful, that Marge could quite easily give him up for adoption.

Failing that, she would she would quite like the occasional hour off from parenting. But with Homer swanning around the globe, this is not an option. When the children get in from school, Marge must chauffeur them to a ridiculous number of after school activities. Back in the UK, she’d stopped all those when Maggie was born – out after dark with a baby in tow you have to be joking – but they have crept up again, and so for four hours every afternoon she is driving Bart and Lisa – but mainly Bart – to gym club or the gym or football or rugby or singing or choir or Duke of Edinburgh Award meetings, and in between she’s picking up food, starting supper, putting on the washing, collecting one or other child from any of the above activities whilst surplus offspring must either accompany Marge on these trips or stay at home and babysit Maggie.

Lisa is particularly disgruntled. Why should she have to stay at home and babysit Maggie? But also, why should she have to traipse around in the car for hours with Marge? This is clearly a no-win situation and Marge’s unpopularity only increases when, finally home for the evening, she makes incredibly unfair demands on the children to lay the table, bath Maggie, tidy up, do homework.

With few reserves, Marge frequently blows a fuse, reinforcing Lisa and Bart’s opinion that she is the Most Unlikeable Mother In The World. The only consolation – and that is limited – is when a friend knocks on the door in tears as her husband lives in Saudi part of the week and she is at her wits end with her kids and a husband who does not understand her…

Many expat wives are in the same boat and Marge will learn to lean on them and become more resilient, but it is a strange way of life, and whilst salaries are good, she wonders how sustainable it is and what impact it might have on the health of one’s marriage.

Unfortunately, for all the wrong reasons, Marge’s wish for the occasional hour off parenting comes true far sooner than anticipated. One Sunday morning, a couple of hours after Homer has left for the airport, to Marge’s surprise, he is home again. He has had a travel restriction imposed on his passport. The reason? The company he previously worked for has recently done something it should not have done. Homer was a signatory on an old unrelated document. As none of the current directors from this company, who are responsible for the problem, has responded to any of the letters chasing them, Homer who has not worked for this company for five months is the one who has been taken to court.

With the backing of his new employers, Homer fights the case and wins. But for a few weeks he becomes reluctantly over familiar with a harsh judicial system where all are guilty before proven innocent. Worse, he is stuck at home, with a very demanding Marge.

In the car so much of the time, Marge craves some exercise and takes this opportunity to find a gym. The closest one to the house is so basic, so ribby, (but so convenient), that Marge is the only person who ever uses it. That is not a bad thing; the first time she goes, after two 10-minute bursts on a cross-trainer and bike, she nearly faints.

She writes her own job description for a paid marketing role in the museum, but doesn’t hold out much hope that anything will come of it and she reassesses her views on life as an expat a year and a half on. So how is she doing with all her opinions? Well, the bureaucracy is enough to make her cry – and frequently does. The inequality of women is still hard to swallow along with the lack of human rights and a skewed legal system. The prejudice and racism directed at the Asian labour force is still unpalatable. And the class system is rank. Homophobia is still alive and kicking, and immediate imprisonment of unmarried women (mainly maids) who are discovered in relationships with men, or worse have babies outside of marriage is almost daily news.

But Bahrainis she has met and made friends with are welcoming and warm, and it is, all things considered, an interesting time to be living there with all the change that’s taking place: the rapid transformation of the country’s infrastructure, the influx of western culture and the conflict this brings as it seems to threaten the values of Islam. There is not much in the way of culture – music, theatre, art – or an appreciation of nature. But shopping is a national pastime and the food is delicious. Furthermore, Marge is less bogged down with the minutiae of everyday life – paperwork, chores, peripheral stuff. It feels like she’s floating along in a rather strange life that isn’t entirely hers.

And whilst it can be a challenge for Marge and Homer to keep the children’s feet firmly on the ground, they are thankful that Bart, Lisa and Maggie are being exposed to so many different cultures, whilst receiving an excellent education in and out of school. Bahrain is a safe place for them to explore their independence and have an outdoor life and despite Homer’s peripatetic job, the family nevertheless has more quality time together than it did before.

Christmas is on the horizon and the weather is now in the twenties but remembering the wind change of the previous year, Marge has stocked up on heaters, just in case.

Unlike the year before though, she is not paralysed with dread at not having the faintest idea where to start. Everything feels simpler. She’s bought her Duchy’s Christmas Pud and her jars of mincemeat; sequinny/glittery baubles and icicle candles; she’s booked a lunch for Christmas Day at the Ritz Carlton (because after last year’s fiasco she’s embracing La Vie Expat) and she’s ordered her turkey for Boxing Day when expectations will be lower.

Once the children break up, Marge is taking them to Dubai for a week to see Homer. His company is putting them up in the hotel with the ski slope and they can go to a pantomime and a science museum and a film festival and walk on pavements and go to the beach. So many wonderful things; the Simpsons are beside themselves with excitement.

Marge tackles the school Festive Fayre like a pro – no blubbing at the mince pies and carol singing. She writes her Christmas cards and accepts party invitations, attends Winter Concerts and end of term picnics and takes the children Christmas shopping at Seef Mall. On a National Holiday.

Five hours later, she has bought everyone a Christmas Day outfit. She has also, on the sly, bought most of Lisa’s presents – Lisa currently has more than everyone in the family (because currently no one else has anything at all). This will be addressed as soon as possible, obviously, because Marge is keen not to have a repeat of that failure of a Christmas (long before Maggie was born) when Homer or was it Marge failed to count the children’s presents before Christmas Day In The Morning.

Maggie wants a drum kit – but not that ridiculously expensive one in Toys R Us that she likes, which would mean she could only have one present (and possibly no birthday present at her next birthday either) and might cause Marge to lock her in the maid’s quarters. Bart is still harping on about a moped, although Marge has told him he won’t be getting anything if he isn’t a little more flexible with his ideas.

Lisa meanwhile takes to her bed for an entire weekend and when she gets up is two inches taller. Marge is a little freaked out by this – Lisa is now taller than she is.

Maggie is overjoyed to be doing her first ever sleepover at the neighbours’ house and when she comes home she insists on getting a turquoise goldfish. Her best friend across the road has one. She must have one too. Obviously it’s not a goldfish because it’s turquoise, but Marge is quite amenable. The fish sits on the upstairs landing in a rather smart tank and whilst it is quite pretty is extremely boring. Maggie names him Walter.

Bart meanwhile, morphing into Kevin from Kevin and Perry, is so cross with Marge for telling him that he needs to be home for dinner, as she drives him to yet another social engagement – that she turns the car round takes him home and tells him to walk instead. Some time later the apology pings through on her phone.

She takes out her frustrations on the shortcrust pastry, whistles up a batch of mince pies, lights the pine-scented candles, turns the Now That’s What I Call Christmas CD up loud and congratulates herself on what an experienced expat she is (even if her parenting skills fall woefully short).

But Marge’s smugness is short lived. For within the week, she and Homer come down with a flu-bug, Lisa is also afflicted, Bart is just knackered from too many late nights and Maggie –

The following weekend, Homer and Marge are enjoying a rare child-free hour at home. Bart is out. Somewhere. Lisa is at a party. Maggie is at the neighbours’. When suddenly the little boy from across the road tears into the house shouting “Mr Homer, Mr Homer.” Homer rushes into the hall. “Mr Homer, Maggie has cut off her toe, come quick.”

But Homer need not go anywhere, for here is Maggie, trailing behind him, blissfully untroubled by the fact that her toe is hanging off. She has sliced it on a chipped paving stone and blood is pouring everywhere. Homer looking green bundles her into the car, foot wrapped in a tea towel. At the hospital, the doctor calls the plastic surgeon. They can fix it under general anaesthetic, but it would be quicker to do it under local. The only trouble is, when Maggie hears she has to have an injection, she starts to scream. Homer, upset that she is upset can’t stay in the room. The surgeon is slightly alarmed by quite how loud Maggie is.

“What’s better, general or local?” Marge asks, her ears ringing

“Local,” he shouts.

“Let’s do it,” she says. “It’s just noise, she’ll stop.”

While Maggie is demonstrating what a fine pair of lungs she has, the doctor, needing her to be still, wraps her (loosely) in a straitjacket, and with Marge cuddling her and shielding her eyes, he administers five injections around her flapping toe. Still screaming, she has to be told that it is done. At which point she starts to laugh and cannot stop.

By the next day she is hobbling around again and the only disappointment will be that she can’t wear her new Christmas boots until the foot is healed.

Drama over, the Simpsons jump on the merry go round of Christmas socials: a traditional Christmas dinner for their Bahraini friends, a Pre-Christmas party at their neighbours’, and most pretentious of all – a Drinks ‘At Home’ Party 19.30-21.30 – Dress Code: Shirt and Tie (Men). There’s a barbecue on the beach, a night in the desert and instructions to bring cheese, coffee and chocolates to the New Year’s Eve Party.

Marge feeds her cold with homemade Brandy Alexanders and takes Lisa for some last minute shopping. As they leave the mall, Marge receives a text from the British Embassy warning them to avoid the villages – militants are out in force. As she reaches the slip road to the highway, a car stops beside her on the hard shoulder. Men in balaclavas, brandishing machine guns, jump out in front of her car. Lisa is scared and Marge, not pausing to indicate, slams her foot on the gas and screeches past them onto the highway, straight into oncoming traffic.

Back home, Marge learns that this is an uprising against the ruling family. Her arsenal of experiences is mounting since living in Bahrain. Arson attacks, tear gas, burning tyres, shootings, gas canister explosions and now men with machine guns.

Christmas Day is sunny and cold. But the Simpsons’ house – with its whizzy new heaters – is cosy and warm. Presents are unwrapped, Champagne popped. New outfits donned.  They’re ready to go. The hotel is festive in red and gold. A trio of musicians – piano, violin and flute – play Christmas ballads in the ballroom. There’s Champagne on arrival and a Christmas Lunch-Brunch to beat all brunches. Seafood and pâté de foie gras and terrines and cold meats, soups, canapés and salads. Roast turkey, Beef Wellington, sides of ham, mountains of trimmings. Puddings and gâteaux and roulades and sweets and chocolates. Magic wine glasses that never go down. An appearance from Father Christmas. A room for the children with films and games. This is, everyone agrees an excellent experience.

On Boxing Day, at home, Marge does the traditional Christmas lunch. And everyone is happy with that too. A winning formula! It will, the family decides, be their new Christmas format whilst living in the Middle East.

A whirlwind of gatherings later and New Year’s Eve 2007 is here. Just get it over and done with, thinks Marge. Not her favourite night, it always makes her melancholy. And Lisa is very cross. How could they leave her and Maggie behind. With a babysitter. On. New. Year’s. Eve? To be honest, Marge can think of nothing nicer. But as Homer says, who turns down a party invitation on New Year’s Eve? Organised by three couples who have each invited several other couples, (a sort of pyramid make-a-friend scheme) everyone has been asked to bring a dish and some bubbly.

Ef-fort thinks Marge.

There is dinner, a disco and games. At the twelfth chime of midnight party poppers explode everywhere, people hug and kiss, whoops of HAPPY NEW YEAR! fill the air.

Homer sees Marge’s face.

“Do not start crying!” he says.

Marge resolves that next year she will spend New Year’s Eve with the children. Or not celebrate it at all.

Continued here: View From A Broad Part 17